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Alternative Lord of the Rings Humor

Yes, Dark Lord, by Lynn & Jay

"Ah, Lord Sauron. I have here the draft of your speech to the Nazgul Committee on Running Water."
"Still waters run deep, Sir Grishnakh?"
"Er, with respect, Dark Lord, if waters are still, then they can't run at all, deep or shallow."
"Thank you, Bernard. Where would we be without you. What's the gist of my speech?"
"Essentially, Lord Sauron, that the policy of the Dark Lord Administration is to avoid having a policy, and that the absence of a policy does not betoken a lack of policy, but a policy of policy limitation, limiting policy intiatives to initial policy outlines, without precluding disparate policy intiatives within the policy outlines."
"Pardon?"
"You'll tell them they can do what they like, Lord Sauron."....


ELROND: The ring can only be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom in Mordor.
BOROMIR: We can’t use it ourselves?
GANDALF: No, the power of the ring corrupts all.
BOROMIR: Yes, but I thought maybe we could use it ourselves… you know, to defeat Sauron.
GANDALF: We can’t use the ring ourselves.
BOROMIR: So you’re saying we can’t use it ourselves.
GANDALF: No, we can’t use it ourselves.
BOROMIR: Because it would be really cool if we could use it ourselves.
GANDALF: Boromir….
BOROMIR: I know, we can’t use it ourselves, but if we COULD….
GANDALF: Which we can’t….
BOROMIR: But if we COULD… it would be neat.
GANDALF: But we can’t.
BOROMIR: I’m just saying that I think we should use it ourselves… if you say we can’t, fine.
GANDALF: We can’t.
BOROMIR: Fine.

links

Blogrolls are boring because they're just names. They don't tell me why you like those websites, intriguing me to click on them. So here's an old-fashioned link page:

What I used to click to wake up in the morning, before I bought my first little laptop in Spring 2009:


jkOnTheRun
Their tagline: "using mobile devices since they weighed 30 lbs"
Fell in love with UMPCs (Ultra Mobile PCs) here.

UMPCPortal
All the UMPCs are here with their own spec page (very useful when I only care which one weighs the lightest) also featuring the latest reviews for that particular UMPC, not to mention their "Latest Five UMPCs" and "Top 5 UMPCs" sections.

International Forecaster Weekly
Gets updated every Wednesday and Saturday. I don't always like his tone, but I appreciate his other side to things.

Stay home and have tons of fun with your husband or kids or homeschooling:

Making Home
Domestic Felicity
Boundless Magazine
Ladies Against Feminism
Woman and Marriage

Blogging and Hacking Sites

Skelliewag
Bloggerbuster
BlogU
NxE weekly articles about blogging
Smashing Magazine
Vandelay Design
Color Schemer

I get all my "free software/application" reviews and geek news from Lifehacker (and sometimes Cybernet). It's why I now use Crunchbang Linux (outside link) on my EeePC.

Twice a Year Click Fests

NYmag.com/Fashion (runway slideshows)
Warning: Girls only! Wardrobe Malfunctions do occur.

I wouldn't go to a runway show even if someone paid all my expenses, because it would waste days of time, trouble, and airplane travel. At nymag.com I can click through an entire collection in minutes, saving my favorites to the computer. Being able to do this is fantastic if you sew your own clothes, or merely want to figure out what it is you like before trying to put together an outfit at the local thrift store.

Besides, building a database of favorite outfits often assauges my desire to buy the actual clothes, hence my fashion blog Ozmatique. Collecting clothes digitally instead of physically is just as fun and a lot easier on the pocketbook, in addition to helping you shop smarter.

If you're new to NYmag, prepare to spend week(s) catching up on their runway archives. Hint: Go to "Designer Guide", pick a name and work your way through the years using the drop-down menu, NOT the two most recent shows already posted to the side. If you don't like a collection don't write off the designer, try a different season/year as the colors and styles of a designer can differ from year to year.

Another good source of photos for an outfit database is online catalogs. I can't tell if I like an outfit until I see it on a person, so I skip sites without catalogs. My favorite sites with catalogs are:

J. Jill, Nordstrom, Bloomingdales, Barrie Pace, Soft Surroundings, Newport-News, La Redoute, and ever more rarely Boston Proper and Anthropologie.

If you know of a great online catalog not on this list, please leave a comment.

Other Links

Bible Crosswalk (English) and O-Bible (Chinese)

Worldwide Directory of the churches of Christ
You can look up a website a week, to get to know congregations around the world, and explore their links, and to get ideas for your own church website. I also use the contact info on this website to do up Google Maps for traveling church members.

Otherwise, it bugs me that this site requires a donation to update your church info. They used to be free, and then when I went to update our church information and ran into the donation requirement, I was without a credit card for a few years, and couldn't update our info.

This is an age of free blogs, free Wikipedia and free Google Maps. Now that I do have access to a credit card, I'd still rather just spend the time to do up our own church blog (still in pre-production), or a free Google Maps listing, or put it all on free Wikipedia. I suspect that eventually all the churches on that website will get done up that way.

Screenit.com or Plugged-In Movies

Before you decide to rent that movie or get stuck in a movie theater where you can't fast forward, check out the profanity/violence/sex/nudity of the film online.

Reading through all the reviews though, you too will begin to feel that making a better movie might be as easy as shooting ducks in a bucket. Most movies waste story time on lame filler - the same old dirty jokes, innuendos and promiscuous relationships. When they get stuck for interesting conversation, they just have the characters swear. When they can't advance the story anymore, they have the characters undress or get in bed. If you were forced to create an interesting movie without resorting to a cheatsheet of sex and profanity, you'd be more than halfway to a masterpiece. That's why I'm intrigued by the San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival which set up their Jubilee Awards to compete with the Oscars. See their Ten Commandments guidelines for submitting films.

Songs of Education

Another G. K. Chesterton poem:


____SONGS OF EDUCATION

_________III. FOR THE CRECHE

______
Form 8277059, Sub-Section K


I remember my mother, the day that we met,
A thing I shall never entirely forget;
And I toy with the fancy that, young as I am,
I should know her again if we met in a tram.
__But mother is happy in turning a crank
__That increases the balance at somebody's bank;
__And I feel satisfaction that mother is free
__From the sinister task of attending to me.

They have brightened our room, that is spacious and cool,
With diagrams used in the Idiot School,
And books for the blind that will teach us to see;
But mother is happy, for mother is free.
__For mother is dancing up forty-eight floors.
__For love of the Leeds International Stores,
__And the flame of that faith might perhaps have grown cold,
__With the care of a baby of seven weeks old.

For mother is happy in greasing a wheel
For somebody else, who is cornering Steel;
And though our one meeting was not very long,
She took the occasion to sing me this song:
__'O, hush thee, my baby, the time will soon come
__When thy sleep will be broken with hooting and hum;
__There are handles want turning and turning all day,
__And knobs to be pressed in the usual way;

O hush thee, my baby, take rest while I croon,
For Progress comes early, and Freedom too soon.'

G. K. Chesterton


New Witness, 25 July, 1919

Books I Want To Read

I don't have these but so want them to use in my Bible/English classes every week:




I hope the rest of these books come to a library near me. Or if your library is throwing out books let me know.

Writing 作 文





I especially like books on writing by my favorite famous authors not just because I know they really can write mesmerizing bestsellers, but because they're the most fun to read and inspirational.

I so enjoyed Stephen King's On Writing (warning! a ton of swear words to cross out) so I'm guessing I'll love Orson Scott Card's book How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy just as much:





Books About Books 書








Money 錢





Family






Self-Help




Hiking 踏 青
(Scotland 蘇 格 蘭 and Great Britain 英 國)
















Genealogy 家 譜

Although, a good website with all this info would probably be more efficient:



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Biographies 傳 記






Favorite Movies (or How I Teach Bible)

I went crazy over all the films on this page from the very first viewing, and I use them every week teaching Bible/English. Lucky me.

1. Gospel of John (word-for-word, simple translation)

Minor quibbles: Mary Magdalene showing up so much, I don't think the music was right for the ending, the tone of voice in which he often insists "I'm telling you the truth", but so far this is my favorite "word for word" (albeit a very simple) version.

It all depends on the individual's English level and motive as to how I teach these DVDs. To give you four random examples:

One 12-year-old boy I study with reads the story directly out of the Bible in Chinese, then he reads it in English, then we put the movie on and he reads the English subtitles sentence by sentence, then I replay the section in normal speed.

I am teaching a girl who is in university who is happy to watch straight through the movie with Chinese subtitles. If she later wants to re-watch the movie with English subtitles I'll be happy to do that too but it will be a little bit each time in addition to all the other interesting Bible stuff we want to read or see together.

A 9-year-old brother and sister who already know all the stories do 20 min of reading and writing each English subtitle.

Two ladies are writing down the English subtitles sentence by sentence (comparing it with what is written in the Bible) which gives us lots of opportunities to discuss the implications of everything Jesus said and how he is the only way, but they've already seen the whole movie in Chinese, and I already took them through the rest of the Bible. We are also doing Jule Miller's pictorial overview of the Bible, which I like more for the wealth of comments and Bible knowledge my dad brings to the study, than for the material itself.

In every class, regardless of age or Bible knowledge, we ALWAYS do:

* scripture memorization (slowly getting these all memorized)

* and a page out of homemade transcripts of Wesley Simon's Denominational Doctrines series (watch it online!), first reading the Chinese and then the English.

Once they know who Jesus is, then we start back at the beginning of the Bible to see where it all came from. When showing these, I mostly fast-forward any scenes that aren't in the Bible and we always read the story directly out of the Bible as well:


I adore the Testament Bible In Animation series. Each of the 9 animations appears to have been done by a different artist, with different music. The slightly English accent, clear diction and expressive inflection are a delight to teach English with. Each animation is 30 min long. My set of DVDS has Chinese/English options in both subtitles AND audio.



I love some of the Bible Collection movies, especially Abraham (Richard Harris!) and Moses (Ben Kingsley!) . Jeremiah is good. Jacob and Esther are good/ok. My set has non-removable Chinese-only subtitles. When showing these, I mostly fast-forward any scenes that aren't in the Bible.

The rest of the Bible Collection movies are a waste of time (Paul, Samson and Delilah, etc) but I have a special beef with their version of David (not shown).

As much as I hyperventilate over Nathaniel Parker playing David, the movie unnecessarily goes out of its way to mess up a good story. In places where the factual Bible account is naturally exciting, the movie gratuitously changes scenes to something boring that didn't even happen. For example, David is suddenly confronted with Goliath alone in the wilderness with only two other people peeking out from behind a bush; the onlooking Philistine and Israeli armies are completely missing. It does this kind of thing throughout the movie. I was going to cut and splice the more accurate sections but it wouldn't have left enough to make a coherent film. Testament:Bible in Animation: David & Saul (shown) on the other hand, rocks!

Here are the individual films I show, with tons of actual Bible reading after each:




2. Testament: The Bible in Animation - Creation and the Flood

See Shazbazzar's review of this video at Amazon.com.
Sometimes I do skip this one, because of the way they take liberties with what God said to Adam and Eve after they ate the fruit, and other places in the cartoon. Otherwise very neat film.




3. The World That Perished

It's basic and it must have been filmed 20 years ago, but it works. Not a movie or a lecture but every point translated visually and concisely, it touches on the logistics and science behind Noah's Flood.




4. The Bible Collection: Abraham
(Richard Harris!)




5. The Bible Collection: Jacob


I like the first half of this movie with its great Laban but for the second half of this Bible story, I prefer the accuracy (and beautiful Rachel) of Genesis Project's word-for-word The Bible on Video: Genesis: Isaac, Esau and Jacob (not shown) using actors on location speaking Hebrew with an English Bible narration overlay, but unfortunately I don't have it on DVD and our video is no longer viewable.




6. Testament: The Bible in Animation - Joseph




7. The Bible Collection: Moses (Ben Kingsley!)



8. The Exodus Revealed: Search For the Red Sea Crossing




9. Testament: The Bible In Animation - Ruth

The cover doesn't begin to show the alluring femininity of Ruth in this claymation. (By comparison, the Esther movie mentioned below falls flat for me. Somehow Louise Lombard's version of Esther's submisiveness is only convincing if you think Mary Tyler Moore was showing true respect in The Dick Van Dyke Show - which, however, was able to be brilliantly funny without resorting to sex, violence, or profanity.)




10. Testament: The Bible In Animation - David (See comments above.)




11. Testament: The Bible in Animation - Elijah




12. Testament: The Bible in Animation - Jonah




13. Bible Collection: Jeremiah




14. Bible Collection: Esther

I do break down and show the Esther movie. Despite my tepid reaction to Louise Lombard's portrayal of Esther (see comments on Ruth), and a wimpy movie version of Xerxes compared to the brutally ruthless Xerxes of history, it's got a great Mordecai.


Other films I show where appropriate:



Martin Luther

I shiver. What a guy! At least, ahem, what a guy Joseph Fiennes is when playing someone with backbone.

It is also a great step-off to discussing where denominations came from, and the difference between denominations and the church of the first century.




The Milky Way and Beyond (one of the Journeys to the Edge of Creation duo).

I like to be blown away and this showcases the power of the Creator in the immense size of the universe. Toward the end they take you on an imaginary journey to bring this point home and polish it off with Bible verses about the awesomeness of God side-by-side with his personal loving care.



Pam Stenzel's Sex, Love, and Relationships. A sheer joy of watching her speak film. A nurse and long-time counseler/lecturer, Pam Stenzel has the cutest in-your-face, telling-it-like-it-is style of speaking.

If you know of any movies that are better than the ones listed above, let me know.
Note: With all these films, we always end up reading the story directly from the Bible, and if someone is denominational and already knows the Bible very well I do not show them these videos. We watch (or read transcripts of) Wesley Simons' Denominational Doctrines series instead.

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